Feeling crappy

I'm not even going to mention how it's a possibility that I may be common law married. I miss X but I can't be married to him. I'm only supposed to be married if I have a gorgeous wedding or if I wake up hungover in a Vegas hotel room. 

I was kind of hoping to use the "I could be married" excuse to the guy I had been chatting with. We "met" on a dating website which I deleted my profile on after only 1 day. We've been texting a lot and are supposed to meet but I don't want to. I don't want to date and I'm just not into him like that. He's coming on a little too strong. 

Oh and I feel sick. My sister was over this weekend and she was feeling sick. My ears are hurting and my throat is sore. I think I'm heading to bed early. 

I need a 2x4

I am up too early, thinking about crap I shouldn't be thinking about. 

Like how a few weeks ago, when X's uncle passed away, how he called me hours after the wake about a conversation he had with his aunt. He told me she had said she took a lot of crap from her husband, the one who passed, in all the years they were together. I don't think she meant it bad, just reflecting and trying to tell him to wise up. He called me saying he loved me and knows how much shit he had put me through in our 8 years and I needed to be free to have a good life. I agreed and still do, but damn it's hard not to miss him and the good 8 years we had. 

Oh and now I wonder, does that mean STD deserves the stupid shit he does? See, shit I should not even be thinking about but yet I am. 

Frankly, I'm really tired of giving two shits about him and more than tired of feeling heartbroken. I deserve so much better than him, I know this I really do. But we had 8 years together and a child and now I'm the one in pain and he's the one causing it. I mean he showed up the other day to drop off some money for Gabri in STD's car. She wasn't here or else this mama would have kicked some ass, but still. Does he not get how hurtful this is? No, I'm sure he doesn't. 

I talked to one of his brothers the other day. Only one I feel like I have somewhat in my corner. I mean of course their loyalty is to X, but this brother is Gabri's godfather and he's the only one who gives a shit about seeing her and being in her life. The other brothers are already buddy buddy with STD and they don't care at all about my daughter. But anyway, this brother said he knows how hurt I am, but that his brother could never be happy with someone else, because he's not happy with himself. Sounds like the truth, but then why is he with STD?

Someone slap me or something, I SHOULD NOT CARE ABOUT EITHER OF THEM!! Err. I'm off work today and I plan on keeping busy. We have a playdate with my coworker/friend and her children in a few hours. I'm going to clean until then. 

Hopefully by time I blog again tonight (told ya I was a blogging fool), I will have something else to talk about. Lol, I'll talk about Ireland. I never shut up about that. 

Until then.

xoxo, 

~ReAnna

Let's start this party.

Back to blogging here I come.

Let me introduce myself. My name is ReAnna, I am soon to be 26 years old. I am mother to a 2 year old daughter named Gabriella and we have a cat named Blu. Here is Gabri and me:




Up until December of last year, I was with Gabriella's father, we shall call him X, for 8 years. He was my first love, first everything and I thought he hung the moon and stars.  Our relationship ended when he decided he would rather be with married coworkers than his family. He's moved out and we've had a very love/hate type relationship. He's really good at lying. For these past few months, he has repeatedly told me what I've wanted to hear, knowing I wanted to be a family for our daughter, all while keeping up this affair with the married coworker, we will call STD.

I can't pretend like I'm over him and that's it. I'm not. Far from it. I felt like I gave him my heart when I was 17 and I still don't have it back. I still feel like someone is sitting on my chest, just that constant pain of heartache. I wonder what he's doing more often than I should and I am easily reduced to tears wondering if he is with her. I am sad about the end of our relationship and I won't act like I'm not. It's been 9 months and I still feel like a pathetic mess.

This blog isn't about trying to win him back or to get revenge. Trust me, there have been so many ideas in this head of mine about getting both of them fired from their shared job, messaging her husband (I did just find out they are divorced officially), anything bad that I could do to them, I've thought about it. But as that great quote says, "The best revenge is living well." I want to do this.

This blog is about learning to get over the heartbreak and proving to myself that I deserve so much more than he could have ever gave to me. I deserve more than a lying, cheating poor excuse for a man. This blog is about finding out who the hell I am. Since I was 17, I have been defined as X's girlfriend, X's caretaker, and anything else for X. But that is not who I am. I'm ReAnna, woman who has no clue where life is going to take her and Gabri. I'm excited to find out.

Expect randomness, song lyrics, quotes, and pretty pictures I find on Photobucket. I'm just a random person.

Also, be ready to hear lots of talk about my upcoming trip to Ireland in March, where I want to go vacation, and random things I dream about doing. I'm obsessed with Ireland, my Chucks, Irish punk rock, guys with accents, guys with tattoos, and vampires.

Anyway, get ready for me because I am going to be a blogging fool. :P

xoxo,
ReAnna